#2: Acknowledge Negative I's

[James Parkinson]

This week give your attention to your negative emotions and try to separate from them. Try to be aware of the demanding, violent, jealous, overanxious I's that give you a negative way of feeling and reacting to events in life. We all have I's that lie and twist the truth, complain, show off or feel they're not properly treated. Note the I's that are irritable and disregard what others think. Observe the I's filled with their own importance that are always upset when others don't measure up to the standards set.

Whenever you feel a negative reaction in yourself stand back from it, look at it, observe it. If you can do this it will give you detachment. In the midst of the negative emotion try to step into a quiet place in yourself. Try to give it the light touch and not get too heavy-handed with yourself for being negative. Simply acknowledge the negative I's without judgment.

You might imagine you're a scientist conducting a test on a subject and note each negative reaction the subject has to the test events of life. Quietly sit in your observation room and take notes.

[Lorrie York]

There were a couple of incidents this week when I was very aware of the negative I's. I was actually able to look and listen to the negativity without reacting. I pulled back and watched them as an interesting stranger. The critical, self-important I's did not like this and wanted to share their negativity with others, to show others how this person was making Lorrie look bad. Even though I didn't react in this instance, the chatter went on for some time.

I saw a person this week whom I have many old associations. Lorrie became very animated, she smiled and said Hi to this person in a high pitched voice. I was watching Lorrie do this wondering "who is this phony person talking". She's not real. It was very subtle because Lorrie was smiling and pretending to care about this person but it tasted negative. It only lasted a few seconds and it woke me up for an instant. Lorrie had it justified because this person treats her the same way.

I became irritated with a food service worker this week because she was not getting my communication. Even though I thought I was being polite I'm sure she got my displeasure with her. I found myself snapping at another person and realized I was being negative, time to look inside. After this realization I was a little less identified. People were not doing what I wanted them to do. The critical I's were chattering away.

I thought I was doing really well this week, not too much negativity going on (smile). Then I began to notice the subtle negativity. The I's that like to listen to gossip and even though they don't say much, they encourage negativity in others. The critical, condecending I's that like putting themselves above others. The nosy I's that need to know what is going on at all times, they are related to the controlling I's. I could go on and on, there are negative I's everywhere.

Conclusion: I was able to give it the light touch most of the time depending on the level of identification. I was less judgmental than usual. There were times when I could go to the quiet place inside and not get caught up in the negative emotions. I have come to the conclusion when Lorrie is internally considering she is negative.

Lorrie

[William]

Okay, finally moving onto exercise 2. Actually, this one might be easier since I've been doing some of this already. The epiphany for me came when I finally noticed the connection between my feelings/moods/behaviors and my physical state. In other words, if I felt lonely, hungry, tired, in pain, etc. it would color my entire world grey. Which gave me a big hint that maybe my mental state wasn't always independent or under my control. Maybe a lot of it was automatic and mechanical.

Duh

[William]

I know one of my most destructive negative i's is one I call the "brooding I". This is where I brood over hurts done to me (past, present or anticipated) and just let the resulting emotions (anger, hate, resentment,) wash over me. At times it's almost like being drunk on the power of the resulting emotions. Like many of my negative i's this one is usually preceded by physical discomfort: feeling tired, hungry, lonely or in pain.

Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with it in a while because I've caught onto what it is and what it's up to. If I take care of my physical condition, the more obvious of these negative i's lacks strength. That leaves me subject to the more subtle negative i's.

[William]

aha ! Caught myself already. Went into work and found no one else on the work floor. Immediately went into a pout, angrily muttering about "where is everyone else?" "am I supposed to do all this myself?" "I'm being used." etc. fortunately caught it quickly and got analytical: no one was asking me to do more than I would do anyway, so what does it matter where anyone else is? Aren't there times when others come out and I'm not there, it happens to them why shouldn't it happen to me?

Took the edge off the anger and resentment, although it took a little while for the whole thing to ease up. Wallowing in such emotional overload is so satisfying, it can be difficult to kill it all right away.

But it's a start.

[James Parkinson]

The moment you kill it you stop seeing it. Try for a while seeing it while not being it and see if you can get more.

[William]

Good thought. Killing it isn't that hard. Laughter helps. But you're right: letting it go so I can get a longer, better look at it and how it's working is good. It is irritating how much it wants to hang in there, hang on and feed me the tidbits of irritation and resentment and "justified" anger.

Today it popped into place again. Very quickly. The "I" just snapped into place when the right button was hit. It took over the driver's seat smoothly and efficiently and ran things for a good 5 minutes before I was able to re-establish the witness and get a good look at what was going on.

[William]

I'm back after surgery, painkillers and a lot of goofing off. Got to spend a lot of time deeply asleep (in the 4th way sense) and watch a whole bunch of negative I's march through my head. The despair I, the atheist I, the paralyzed-self I, the I-don't-give-a-damn I. They marched through and I jumped right into them more often than I watched them. The work continues.

[James Parkinson]

Yay! I'm glad to see you back. I'd been wondering what became of you. It's so easy to succumb to the hypnotism of life. It really is dangerous because we never know when/if we will awaken again. So many people wish to die in their sleep. More often than not, they do. Or as Gurdjieff said, Die like a dog. We can work!

[William]

It's good to be back on track.

Exactly. And that's always been the pattern. Find wisdom, work on it awhile, get distracted and finally get back to something that I've been away from so long it seems new until I realize "Oh yeah, I knew that." At my age, it's never learning, it's always re-learning.

My son calls it ADOS: "Attention Deficit OH Shiny!"

[Bodhi Greenman]

This week someone in here was watching and acknowledging the negative I's also arising in here. Here, in this case is me. In whatever part of me these things live or manifest. My head? This is getting weird.

I have also been making myself aware of when I am unkind to myself, especially when I am judging my thoughts or behaviour. So I have also practicing being kind to me.

And yesterday I was listening to one of the James World podcasts, the shorter ones,not the phat ones the skinnier ones, I allow the name to escape me momentarily, and this is not the important point, I ramble .....

At sunset yesterday I was walking from the village shop back to my cottage along the road which is about a mile and a half. Rachel was snoozing at home so I was taking my time and enjoying the last of the light.

In all this beauty I was blissfully unaware, until I caught myself, indulging in all sorts of critical thoughts ... about the volume that these podcasts were recorded at and how I couldn't here them when a car went past, and about a friend, who had said some things that I had judged unkind about me ... blah blah blah.

Each time a car approached ... in my minor tantrum, I paused my ipod, and at one point my mind drifted off to the story of Tom and Huck sat on the banks of the Mississippi watching the steamers go by.

A few moments later during a break between the passing cars, I hit play and the voice of James came through talking about when someone interrupts, just try listening shutting up the internal dialog and listening to the other person was saying and recognise that these were just thoughts.

And as the next car went past my criticisms about what this guy had said left me, I saw in that moment, as I had shut off my internal dialog to focus on listening to James, that these thoughts that my friend had expressed had just come up in his head, in his moment, that he had just verbalised them, automatically, with all his stuff going on, with all the crap in his life that he is putting himself through and I immediately let it go.

The judgement and critical thought had gone. Melted away.

I realised that I had just acknowledged his negative I's as being his steamers, which gave me a perspective on mine.

In that moment I had forgiven him and so myself and I experienced a very pleasant moment of peace.

Until the next car went by.

[James Parkinson]

Heh. Yeah, we're all just machines ticking away doing the only thing we can do--react. Isn't it amazing that we can walk down a road listening to the voice of someone thousands of miles away and in the past? iPods, Podcasts, communication. Amazing! We can work!

[Bodhi Greenman]

Addendum

I listened to the podcasts with a different set of headphones today, and the volume was absolutely fine.

So all those 'thoughts' about the cars and the volume the podcasts were recorded, were just forces in the universe conspiring to release me from my imagination, to bring me to a realisation, and what I get to see today is, what I was judging as bad things happening to me in that moment, were in fact .... exactly the opposite.

Grrr