#1: Observe your different I's

[James Parkinson]

Begin by listing in your journal the different roles you have in life. During the week try to observe the different I's called upon by each of these roles.
What are the I's you would like to strengthen? What are the ones you dislike?
Reflect on your many I's during your quiet time each day. Do you control them all or are some uninvited actors refusing direction?

"Everybody has his own theatre, in which he is manager, actor, prompter, playwright, sceneshifter, boxkeeper, doorkeeper, all in one, and audience into the bargain." (Hare and Hare, Guesses at Truth, Series 2)

Try to observe the different I's as if you were watching a play with great interest. Don't forget to look at the audience too.

[James Parkinson]

Yes, it does sound like a good start and a good way to proceed. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share.

[Bodhi Greenman]

On my 3rd week of doing this exercise. Having started again, and again. And my struggle, my internal dialog is around the reconciliation of the existence of different I's. Especially as I was listening to one of your podcasts which said, and these are my words not yours, that the fundamental basis of this work is the recognition of these different I's and if you don't get this .... you know the rest.
My argument is that I have always come from a place of unity. So becoming detached or seperating myself from these many aspects of my personality is challenging.

I was with my girlfriend today, we were talking helmet to helmet on the bike, she asked why do you always drive below the speed limit in the car, and above it on the bike. I responded that it was a different I that drove the car than the one that rides the bike. She said that was a convenient excuse. And I see that is what I do. Yesterday I eat a load of stuff that I know my body will react 'badly' to, and I feel crap, and I say to myself no more, that's enough doing this to myself, and when I say it. I really mean it. Then tonight we're watching a movie and I am half way through a tub of Ben and Jerrys when I remind myself of what I had said 23 hours previously. So who's driving my bus? Who is this I sitting here merrily chomping away at a bucket of dairy, ignoring the fact I'm lactose intolerant .... and I will suffer, all my I's will suffer tomorrow.

Yes it has been fruitful, seeing what a mess I have become though I was not happy to see how asleep I have become, especially as in my imagination I was wandering around pretending I was a lot more awake.

But what has been good is that I have recognised a lot of stuff, especially my use of particular negative expressions, a favorite of mine which is the word hate. I won't begin to count how many time I have caught myself opting for this unconscious way of expressing myself.

So how many different I's. Thousands, I lost count, I have one for every imaginable event. And are they aspects of my ego, right now .... I don't care. I have seen that whatever they are, how I use them.

[James Parkinson]

Oh, what fun. *smile* The I that wrote that was the best I around at the moment. We're negative.

[Bodhi Greenman]

OK, I have done another week observing my I's and a lot of other stuff too. Another week of starting with an intention of keeping a journal, and a lot of reasons why I didn't.

I have have seen an I appear this week that hasn't been around for sometime. An unkind I. One which Rarely sees the light of day, but this week, I used my power over someone else and left them feeling small and hurt, and this was difficult.

I have also seen this same unkind I be tough on me, being unkind to myself in a number of ways. It seems when I am seemingly progressing forward, I throw up some kind of obstacle to hinder myself or hold myself back.

I have had a lot of sleepless nights, very little excercise this week, and poor diet. Could this be related ? I think so.

It has been a tough week, or one where I have been tough on myself, and way to often. I'm glad to let it go and move on.

I went to an Art exhibition today and showed my work to some 'real' artists, and I received some incredible feedback about my talent, which has left my ego all swollen and shiney.

Enough of exercise 1, I feel now on to 2.

[James Parkinson]

Enough indeed! I can hardly blame you. It's such a shock to find what we thought was gone has returned. Of course, it never left. It simply found a new hiding place in some dark corner of our psychology. We shine the light of consciousness a little while and accidently ferret it out only to see it scurry off to another dark corner and we're damned glad to be rid of it for a time. Light is something we can only seem to take in very small doses with some distance between those painful doses. The truth is darkness cannot hide. It takes a long time to understand this in any meaningful way. Thank you for sharing your experiences with the exercise.