#1: Observe your different I's

[James Parkinson]

Begin by listing in your journal the different roles you have in life. During the week try to observe the different I's called upon by each of these roles.
What are the I's you would like to strengthen? What are the ones you dislike?
Reflect on your many I's during your quiet time each day. Do you control them all or are some uninvited actors refusing direction?

"Everybody has his own theatre, in which he is manager, actor, prompter, playwright, sceneshifter, boxkeeper, doorkeeper, all in one, and audience into the bargain." (Hare and Hare, Guesses at Truth, Series 2)

Try to observe the different I's as if you were watching a play with great interest. Don't forget to look at the audience too.

[Brad]

Share your observations next weekend (2/2/08). These words cause fear in me. An 'intellectual I' doesn't want to sound stupid, but someone's got to start! Observing I's in myself is difficult going, especially when I try to put it into words. The 'sexual I' is one I should want to tame, and I work daily on doing such. My 'at my job I' pridefully enjoys the trust and respect of his boss. Perhaps too pridefully! The I that's there when I wake up, says he wants to meditate, but only does so, maybe half of the time. My 'recovery program I' enjoys the apparent wisdom that I appear to have do to my little knowledge of this path! That is it for now. Oh, there's an I that eats to feel better too, and he's powerful!

[Brad]

James, trust me, taming the sexual-I isn't fun in the least. But it's what I've got to work with. I think it has helped me, I don't know if understand is the correct word, but, understand the Law of Three some.

And the time crunch, no apologie needed, as it helps to see that I.

[James Parkinson]

Okay, can't-read-a-calendar-I screwed up and got the dates wrong. What I meant to do was have us weigh in on February 9th which would give people a chance to get up to speed with the exercise since this whole thing is so new and we've still got people filtering in from invitations sent out when this was started.

My apologies, Brad and anyone else who may be feeling rushed or pressed by the mistake with the date. Take your time, enjoy the exercise and have fun with it. If it's not fun you're taking it way to seriously.

Taming the sexual-I doesn't sound like much fun. *smile*

[Colin Blundell]

There’s Grandfather-I and Father-I and Husband-I... Cat-lover-I, Constantly-aiming-to-clear-projects-I, Reading-I and Writing-I. Role-I’s and Relating-I’s...

There are also lots of Smaller-scale-I’s: Looking-at-the-computer-I, Feeling-my-fingers-scudding-over-the-keys-I, Looking-out-at-the-garden-I, Thinking-about-what-needs-doing-there-when-the-weather-gets-warmer-I, Feeling-cold-I, Touching-my-face-I... James' Can't-read-a-calendar-I is an example of one of these temporary 'I's.

You’ve only to consider what you’re thinking/feeling/doing right now to begin to become aware of the millions of ‘I’s you go through 24/7. A whole long succession of ‘I’s plus a most important ‘I’ that can do a commentary on the process of moving from one ‘I’ to another—Commentating-I... Observer-I.

Gurdjieff’s instruction to ask yourself periodically which ‘I’ you’re in has very practical consequences. You can begin to make sure you’re in the right ‘I’ for whatever you need to have happen. You may be in a Feeling-I of some kind when you’d be better off in a Thinking-I or a Doing-I. Getting-worried-about-doing-something-I could be usefully parked so that Figuring-out-what-to-do-about-it-I could take over, for example.

[Matt]

I wrote about a bunch of different Is, but this one came out the most lucid (I think), so I would like share it:

The I of Dukkha
I was working out and I got the this feeling that no matter how much money I had, no matter how much lust was satisfied, not matter how physically fit I became, it would never be satisfactory. That life or, Life, was not going to provide me with anything that would be necessary for meaningful existence is hard lesson to accept. For I want these things. I want to be satisfied by them. I want it to be enough. And I strive to have more and more, yet I know that is not where I want to go. That is the I I want to listen to. When I feel this unsatisfactoriness, I have a tendency to go into imagination, where an aimless wondering of thoughts creates made up images, memories, and futures that try to satisfy me. But as the Buddhists say, it is like being in a restaurant and eating the menu. With self-remembering this dukkha can create “strong determination” to come out of the suffering. With it, I try to feel the sensations that arise, watch them come and go, and be still in the face of a false personality that tries harder and harder to sway my mind into imagination. When ii don’t react and continue to observe, F.P fights back, but if I still observe. F.P gets desperate. It fights hard. It tells me all sorts of terrible things about myself. I observe. It predicts a disappointing future with a rotten ending. I observe. I t tells me I will be miserable if I fulfill my responsibilities. I observe. It tells me to go to sleep. I observe. More and more, the breath becomes light. The back, becomes straight, the pain subsides. The physical sensations become more subtle. They become connected to one another. What were once individual parts, start to meld into a flowing, breathing, whole. Awareness is gently moved with barely a thought throughout the body, inside and out. Thoughts become pleasant, sensations, pleasurable. I observe. Even the slightest sound sends a shock through my body. My closed eyes see white as a car horn honks outside. Restlessness sets in. I shift a bit. I don’t realize that I have been shifting until the second or third time I do it. For a few moments, or a few minutes, I become aware of discomfort. F.P notices this and tells me to stop observing. See what it’s doing to you. It’s making you crazy. This is all crazy. Is this what you want to be. This will get you no where. Life is outside. It’s waiting for you. You are only doing this because you can’t cope with Life. You are looking for a way out because you don’t know what is going on out there. I have my doubts. The bell rings.

[Colin Blundell]

That's a splendid account, Matt. I was with you all the way. Dukkha-I is an 'I' my Thinking-I has never defined so well for itself as a separate 'I' but it sums up a whole way of being for me. Thanks so much!

For me, there's an Aging-I, Bits-of-me-going-to-pot-I as against Zest-for-life-I. On the outside there's every appearance of decay (grey hair, slight limp on a 'bad' day) but inside there's still a 15-year-old-I, everything to play for now still. Along with all the others, these two 'I's co-exist : denying / affirming - Pendulum-I deliberately swings between the two and the Reconciling-I at the bottom of the pendulum swing, where I've learned to teeter to find out what it's like there, decides to go into There's-so-much-still-to-find-out-I, So-much-reading-still-to-do-I, so much that Absurdly-purposeful-I can strive to get a grip of and so on.

There's still a profound awareness of affirming/denying 'I's but there's also a Third Force place where some 'I' or the other can discover the accumulation of energy.

As soon as 'it' slips back into Aging-I, Despondent-I, Longing-for-longer-life-I, Feeling-of-utter-aimlessness-I take over again but, when I'm quick off the mark, I realise that I'm operating solely in Emotional Centre. Intellectual Centre and Moving Centre have a distinctly different point of view. Intellectual-I says, "Let 15-year-old-I out to play! It'll have a different perspective!" and Emotional-I goes Yippee! and Moving-I buzzes off on its motorbike into the Blue Yonder, all Centres firing at once.

Thanks, Matt, for giving me the Gift of Dukkha-I. Cherishing-I says this...

Colin

[James Parkinson]

I kept a journal and wrote down much as I observed it. It was easier to sit and write from memory. Interestingly I felt I saw more writing from memory. How much of that was imagination?

Roles:
Husband - computer tech.-I, supporter-I, encourager-I, understander-I, irritated-I, hurt-I, unappreciated-I, self-justifying-I, observer-I, victim-I, lying-I, angry-I, happy-I, comforter-I, impatient-I, answer-man-I,
Caregiver - feeder-I, doorman-I, affection giver-I, manager-I, observer-I, lying-I, angry-I, impatient-I
Cook - dish washer-I, veggie washer-I, organizer-I, timer-I, giver-I, happy-I, kinetic-I, observer-I, useful-I
Pastor - podcaster-I, editor-I, organizer-I, speaker-I, writer-I, friend-I, listener-I, encourager-I, comforter-I, understanding-I, observer-I, critical-I, impatient-I, positive-I, answer-man-I, useful-I, patient-I, compassionate-I, teacher-I


The I’s I’d like to strengthen: encourager-I, listener-I, friend-I, comforter-I, affection giver-I, understanding-I, patient-I, compassionate-I


I’s I dislike: critical-I, irritated-I, victim-I, angry-I, impatient-I, depressed-I, discouraged-I, teacher-I

The I’s that appear to be uninvited and unruly are the one’s I dislike. Not so much for what they are but for their lack of ability to take direction. An example is teacher-I which shows up and answers questions it wasn’t asked simply because it thinks it knows something. I’s seem to masquerade. i.e. teacher-I is really Pride.

It’s hard to see the I’s others see so easily in me. Toward the end I felt like the exercise could go on forever and there would always be more I’s to observe. What if I’m just naming the same I’s different names when I find them in different states? Do twin I’s exist at the same time in two different centers? If twin why not triplets, etc. By the end of it all the confusion led me to It-Is-What-It-Is-I. Still, I’ll keep doing the exercise as I did find value in uncovering deeper layers of It.

[Lorrie York]

I came up with several different roles this week.
1. Nurse
2. Friend
3. Sister
4. Aunt
5. Caretaker (2 cats)
6. Overeater
7. Householder (breadwinner, cook, maid, bill payer, gardener, shopper).
8. Colleague
9. Couch Potato
10. The "work" I's

I haven't observed the I's related to the nurse much this week as I have been on vacation. She did come up though when I visited foster parents on Wed. Lorrie likes this role, interacting with these people because they think she is wonderfu. Most everyone likes her which makes her feel good. Pleasant sensations related to these self-important I's. Lorrie also likes to hang out with the doctors, she likes the attention she receives from them. She feels important here also and imagines that she is on the same level as the docs.

I had an opportunity to observe the sister I's this week. While talking to my sister I observed the "fix it I's" coming into play. Being the oldest of 6 kids it's my responsibility to make sure everyone is happy. It also smells of controlling I's. Lorrie is big on controlling people and situations. Besides, if I'm fixing my sister I don't have to look at myself.

This week I's belonging to the householder have been around. Focused I's, responsible I's, disciplined I's. I like them because they get things done, the roses are pruned, the taxes are done, the bills are payed, and the house is clean. The couch potato (lazy I's) rules the roost most of the time. I really had to struggle against it this week to get things done.

The caretaker had I's that become annoyed and irritated when the cats interrupt what I am doing (especially when I am on the computer). I know there is an underlying anger related to the irritation buy I am not in a place yet to admit that. It has never been OK for me to express anger. I am afraid that I would loose total control and hurt someone, so I don't even acknowledge it. I have been looking at this during the last week and am beginning to get a feel for it. I suspect it may take some time and that's OK. I can only see what I can see.

The overeater I's are guilt, victim, loser, anger, critical, judgmental, and depressed I's. There are also I's that enjoy the pleasant sensations that come with overeating, instant gratification I's.

I noticed as I am writing this I have not acknowledged many I's which I consider to be "good". Such as nurturing I's, encouraging I's, listening I's, happy I's, and grateful I's. Interesting.

I would like to strengthen the work I's, grateful I's, disciplined I's, focused I's, and responsible I's.

I dislike the victim I's, controlling I's, irritated, angry I's, annoyed I's, self-importance I's, judgmental I's, and the lazy I's. Most of the I's I have listed in this share (LOL). This was a good exercise, I am going to try and remember to continue observing the I's in the different roles which I play in life.

Lorrie

[Nathan Dougherty]

For many months now I've been procrastinating on starting a journal. Finally I started a journal of I's. I logged on to this site and and found an exercise of the same topic, on the same day I started my journal. I don't believe in coincidences though.

Some of the I's that I've been observing are my fantacizing I's, lazy I's, employee I's, family I's, Work I's. it seems like I drift on into things that I think are ideas in my head and I realize they are nothing but mechanical fantasy I's, as well as lazy I's. Both like to sit around and "think", instead of using moving function in a more functional way. I have many negative I's that were very loud but there are now work I's that are louder, shouting at me to wake up when I fall asleep. When I'm in a negative I, sooner rather than later a work I pops up and says "Come on now stop it" The negative I's get indignant and grumble in the backround. Observer I, observes negative I's as well. Its like a child noticing he is being watched while engaging in a negative activity, the child-negative I's realize they've been caught and try to hide. When these things go on between the good I's and bad I's it makes me smile because Nathan feels seperated from all of this stuff going on inside "my"head.
Even buffers are starting to be chipped away, I think. When I put alot of effort into observing myself, I will notice something about me that I hate to admit and had no clue existed. This part of the work causes some suffering, because I have to look at these things and stare at them and get to know them and admit they are there.

Nathan

[Ulrich Schnell]

There are so many I's and yet so few. In the confused noise that is is me I try to point out an I saying "this is the pompous prick I, What is he up to today?" A few heart beats later there is not one but I multitude of pompous pricks Screaming for my attention. sure I can point out this or that or the other role but they are all ruled by a number of I's. I have discovered that I dislike most of my I's. I call them names like, pompous, sanctimonious arrogant timid cowardly ...
Rarely, every once in a while I can be the observer who can be all that as ell as caring and understanding. It is like there is an I above them all and an I below them all. One that can be larger than all that and one that can only condemn. I probably won't have to tell you that I'd rather be the larger I.

[William]

This is turning out to be a good exercise. I've come up with quite a few right off the bat and am sure I'll find more. I'm also finding out how many of them are clustered and seem to support one another. Of course, even though I can see these I's acting and moving, I still have the feeling of having one I that's the real me. My intellect knows and can see the many I's, but it hasn't become that "real" to me yet. My buffers are strong and in place.

[William]

My "I"s so far:
1) fear I - this is the one (or cluster) which reacts with fear and sees everything as a threat

2) inertial I - this is the one that can’t get off it’s ass and do something. Whatever I’m doing when this I steps up is what I keep doing: watching tv, sleeping, net surfing. It has no interest in changing what it’s doing.

3) sex/orgasmic I - this is the one that locks onto getting an orgasm, usually through masturbation, and doesn’t give up, no matter what else may have to be done.

4) lying I - this is the one that lies in response to questions even if there is no rational or practical reason to do so.

5) habitual I - this cluster is/are the I’s that do stuff simply out of habit: wanting to be alone, eating certain foods, shopping. These I’s are clustered according to being I’s that are active simply because they are used to being active.

6) rushing I - this I pushes my body to rush and hurry, even if there may not be a real need to do so. Probably related to the fear I.

7) self-pitying I - this one sees everything as hurt and pain and oppression. Poor me !

8) should I - the one constantly worrying about what I “should” be, how my life should be greater, better, etc.

9) deserve I - the one fussing about what I deserve and am not getting

10) identity I - the one that tries to jam me into a given set of ideas to form an “identity”. so that probably means this is a cluster made up of “Christian I”, “Sufi I”, “father I”, etc.

11) book buying I - the one that gathers up books whenever I get an enthusiasm. As though simply owning the books will transfer their wisdom

12) enthusiastic I - the one that gets excited by a new idea, theory, identity, interest and jumps into it with both feet

13) what-if- I - the one that constantly lives in the past and ponders scenarios of my life starting with “if only . . .

14) fantasy I - the one that runs an ongoing movie of a fantasy life which it wants to be real. Sexual fantasies, adventure fantasies, fantasy fantasies, scifi and the like

15) the put-upon I - the one that constantly feels “why me? why is this being done to me? why am I always being dumped on ?”

16) resentful I - always pondering and meditating on how badly it’s been treated, insulted and abused

17) negative emotion I - (or cluster) always wants to think about what’s been done to other people and how it feels about that: angry, resentful, vengeful

18) all ok I - this one is one of the best buffered. Feels that everything is okay, it’s got all under control, the day is great, all is well.

19) worshipful I - what about God, what should it do about God and worship and dogma, etc.

20) this is bullshit I - why is it bothering with sufism or the Work or mysticism or any of this stuff ? It just wants to go on and live life as it comes and not worry about all this “spiritual discipline” guff.

I'll keep this up for about a week, then move to exercise 2. But I plan to keep up with the list of 'I's. Sound like a good way to proceed ?