The Fourth Way for the rest of us.
observing addiction
Well, I finally decided to quit smoking...again. No need for support or encouragment. No atta boys neccessary. From a life viewpoint, i know what it takes to at least get this thing off the ground.
What is particularly interesting to me is the lack of subtlety that this particular craving has. It is like that plant in Little Shop of Horrors. FEED ME!, it says. But that's not what i am doing, and it is very, very disturbed at this fact. Yesterday, about all i could do was not smoke. It permeated every aspect of my daily activity. I actually called in sick at work because i knew what I was going to be going through. So in a Work sense, there is new material for observation here. That which was covered, that which kept me asleep is no longer being fed.
Smoking reinforced buffers for me. It gave me the excuse to stop what I was doing and smoke. Durng this time, I had permission to go even deeper into sleep, into imagination and identification. By the end of the "smoke break". I could be so sapped of energy, and so clueless as to what it is i was doing. My train of thought, or of activity went completely off the tracks. And I craved this?! I could get so negative when I smoked, so full of hostility, so wronged by whoever crossed my path, whoever looked at me wrong. I would use this cigarette as my temporary opportunity to indulge in negative emotions. It was my justification. I sense there is alot of false personality involved with all this. Smoking made it stronger.
Now there are a new set of sensations connected with the lack of a cigarette. They are not completey pleasant, but they feel very alive, very volatile. Its as if they could go either way at this point. My aim is to not react to them no matter what.
What is particularly interesting to me is the lack of subtlety that this particular craving has. It is like that plant in Little Shop of Horrors. FEED ME!, it says. But that's not what i am doing, and it is very, very disturbed at this fact. Yesterday, about all i could do was not smoke. It permeated every aspect of my daily activity. I actually called in sick at work because i knew what I was going to be going through. So in a Work sense, there is new material for observation here. That which was covered, that which kept me asleep is no longer being fed.
Smoking reinforced buffers for me. It gave me the excuse to stop what I was doing and smoke. Durng this time, I had permission to go even deeper into sleep, into imagination and identification. By the end of the "smoke break". I could be so sapped of energy, and so clueless as to what it is i was doing. My train of thought, or of activity went completely off the tracks. And I craved this?! I could get so negative when I smoked, so full of hostility, so wronged by whoever crossed my path, whoever looked at me wrong. I would use this cigarette as my temporary opportunity to indulge in negative emotions. It was my justification. I sense there is alot of false personality involved with all this. Smoking made it stronger.
Now there are a new set of sensations connected with the lack of a cigarette. They are not completey pleasant, but they feel very alive, very volatile. Its as if they could go either way at this point. My aim is to not react to them no matter what.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by James Parkinson on -
Reminds me of what Mark Twain said: It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it a hundred times. Something like that anyway. I've been observing my addiction to meditation lately. I'm at the I meditate because I enjoy it stage. If I don't meditate twice a day, which hasn't happened in years, I don't feel as balanced. Even thinking about not meditating leaves me with an uneasy feeling. Eeeewwww.
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Permalink Reply by Russ on -
Matt sounds like giving up can only be a positive thing for you. We're so bombarded with negative material about smoking that it is bound to lead to negativity whenever we do it. Thats what I found anyway. A form of brainwashing I suppose. After not smoking for a few days do you feel energised at all?
James I've never meditated can you explain the positive benefits you feel you get from this?
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Permalink Reply by Matt on -
Hmm, I don't claim to be able to compare my inner experience to yours, but , what you're talking about sounds to me like when I don't work out for a few days and I start to feel kind of sluggish(mentally and physically). I haven't yet achieved that kind of regularity in my meditation, so I don't know how I'll feel about it if I ever get there. I do know that the desire to succumb to this craving is both in the emotional and moving centers, it is extremely maladaptive, and as to what is keeping me from succumbing to it...it feels like I need to remember my aim to not smoke, my aim to observe the sensations associated with not smoking, and my aim to not react to these sensations. If i forget any one of these my goose is cooked. What I also want is to gain something useful from the friction between yes and no. It is very strong right now, and I'd like to know how to use this fuel for something positive.
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